My Time Away July 02, 2018 18:16 1 Comment

I recently closed my online store to take a much needed holiday. My assistant was busy with exams and I felt I wouldn't be giving myself the full benefit of time away if I was always trying to deal with orders and queries.

Some of you may know that my husband passed away nearly 2 years ago and it's been a long, hard journey to get back to "real life" so to speak, in between dealing with grief and the mind-blowing (and -numbing) amount of paperwork involved with rounding up an estate. 

Well, after more than a year and a half, it's finally done. While I'd been pushing to wrap everything up, when it finally happened, I felt at a bit of a loss actually. 

I knew I had to take a lovely trip somewhere and start creating memories on my own and of my own, which is why I thought I'd walk the Camino. I just did the minimum amount in order to receive my Compostela, a certificate which states you have walked it. But the minimum is still over 100km.

I did this over 5 days. 

I'm really fit, and while I didn't take it lightly, I certainly didn't expect to struggle as much as I did. My joints gave me trouble with every step, and my hiking boots that have felt like walking on clouds for the past few hikes, suddenly decided to bruise and squeeze in places that are still bruised and squeezed, more than a week later.

It was beautiful though. It winds through forests and hamlets lined with wild flowers and rosebushes in such full bloom that they droop over the pathways, perfuming the way.

I spent the time in introspection, just listening to my breath and trying to focus my mind beyond the pain. 

I also spent a bit of time with my sisters in the UK, which felt like a giant hug. They have been so supportive and caring through this whole process.

There's a feeling of finality about having the estate completed. Not that one can put a time limit on grief because everyone's process is different, and honestly I don't think it ever leaves you. You simply adjust your life and heart around it and so managing it gets easier. But I have this question that won't leave me be:

What now?

I find myself a bit adrift once again. A bit untethered and unfocused having such a large part of the journey behind me now. 

But I guess that's all part of the process. 

Back to sleeping, dreaming and creating, which really is quite awesome in itself.